Best Headlines

• Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
• Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
• Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Experts Say
• Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
• Drunk Gets Nine Months in Violin Case
• Iraqi Head Seeks Arms
• British Left Waffles on Falkland Islands
• Teacher Strikes Idle Kids
• Clinton Wins on Budget, But More Lies Ahead
• Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told
• Miners Refuse to Work after Death
• Juvenile Court Try Shooting Defendant
• Stolen Paintings Found by Tree
• Two Sisters Reunited After 18 Years in Checkout Counter
• War Dims Hopes for Peace
• If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last a While
• Man Struck By Lighting Faces Battery Charge
• New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
• Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
• Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
• Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy
• Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half

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Blonde Jokes

Q: Why did the blonde climb the glass wall?
A: To see what’s on the other side.

Q: Why does the blonde have T.G.I.F. written on her shoes?
A: It stands for Toes Go In First.

Q: How do you get a blonde’s eyes to sparkle?
A: Shine a flashlight in her ear.

Q: How do you make a blonde laugh on a Monday morning?
A: Tell her the joke on Friday afternoon.

Q: What do you call a blonde wearing a brunette wig?
A: Artificial intelligence.

Q: What do you do when a blonde throws a grenade at you?
A: Pull the pin out and throw it back.

Q: Why did the blonde keep driving around the block?
A: Her turn signal was stuck.

Q: Did you hear about the blonde and the jigsaw puzzle?
A: She was so proud of herself because it only took her two months to finish it and the box said 2-3 years.

Q: Why didn't the blonde want a window seat on the plane?
A: She'd just blow-dried her hair and she didn't want it blown around too much.

Q: What did the blonde name her pet zebra?
A: Spot.

Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a supermarket trolley?
A: The supermarket trolley has a mind of its own.

Q: How do you confuse a blonde?
A: You don't. They're born that way.

Q: What's the difference between a pit bull terrier and a blonde with PMS?
A: Lipstick.

Q: How do you sink a submarine full of blondes?
A: Knock on the door.

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Cajun Humor

The Furniture Disease
People see my wife and wonder why a good-looking girl like that married a fellow like me.
Well, I want you to know, when I was courting Audrey, I was a good-looking fellow. I had hair, my own teeth, and muscles like you wouldn't believe. But that was before I got the furniture disease.
The furniture disease - that's when your chest falls into your drawers.
-Dave Petitjean

"Mr. Perfect"
Father Scola could make some good sermons. One day, he was talking on the Ten Commandments and, boy, did he get excited. He was jumping up and down. Beating on the pulpit. He said you have to obey the Ten Commandments. He said everyone has sinned and messed up at some point.
"Some of you think you're perfect," he said. "Well, nobody's perfect!"
He got more and more excited.
"Anyone out there who thinks he's perfect, stand up," he said.
After a while, Clabert stood up.
"I can't believe you think you're perfect!" Father Scola said to him.
"No, not me, Father," Clabert said. "I'm just standing in for my wife's first husband!"
-Dave Petitjean

Now, That's Tight!
Clesma is a friend of mine and, boy, is he tight! You wouldn't believe how tight that man is. He's one of them fellows who's gonna try to prove you can take it with you.
One day he was in the bus station and he had to go to the bathroom. Well, this place had the doors with the little slot you had to put a dime in to get in. He had the dime, but he was trying to figure out how he was going to keep from spending it.
So, he waited around and finally a guy came out of the stall. Clesma grabbed the door before it could close, and he got in free. He was so excited, he dropped the dime in the toilet.
Tight like he was, he wanted that dime back, but he hated to put his hand in the toilet for just ten cents. So he reached in his pocket, got out two quarters, and threw them in, too.
He figured for ten cents, no; but for 60 cents, yes.
-Dave Petitjean

Don't Drink And Jive
Uncle Noon's been doing a lot more drinking than usual lately.
One time Aunt Mess asked him, "Noon, when you go out, what you drink?"
"Scotch," he said.
"Well, I tell you what. You sound like you're having such a good time when you go out, I want to go with you to see what's going on," Mess said.
So she did, and when they went in the bar and Noon ordered a Scotch, Mess said, "I want one, too." She picked it up, tasted it and said, "That's the worst thing I've ever tasted in my life."
"See that, and all this time you thought I was having fun," Noon said.
Somebody at the bar asked Noon, "You ever drink enough Scotch to where your tongue burns?"
"I don't know. I ain't never been drunk enough to try to light it," Noon responded.
-Johnny Hoffmann

New Wave Squirrel Hunting
What Uncle Noon and Aunt Mess like to do best is to go hunting.
One time the game warden was wandering around and he saw Noon come out of the woods.
Noon had around his belt some squirrels that he had killed. He had their tails tucked up under his belt, all around it.
So the game warden said to him, "Boy, well, you got your limit, huh?"
"Yes sir, I got 'em all, and it's right on the limit, too."
"I better count that just to make sure," the game warden said.
He counted and found that Noon was right on the limit, so there was no problem with that. Then he said:
"Noon, I notice you ain't got no gun with you. No weapon at all. Those squirrels ain't got a mark on 'em. How did you kill them?"
"Well, since it's you, I'm gonna tell you what I did. I uglied them to death. I hide behind a tree and wait til the squirrel comes out on the branch. I make a noise, and he looks at me. Then I give him a face, and the squirrel just gets uglied to death! And down he comes!"
"Well, I've never seen nothin' like that before, but I can't argue with that," the game warden says.
About that time, out of the woods comes Aunt Mess.
"What...is...that?" the warden asks.
"That's my wife, Aunt Mess," Noon says.
"She hunt with you often?"
"Well, she comes in the woods, but we don't let her hunt no more. She tears 'em up too bad," Noon explains.
-Johnny Hoffmann

Aunt Mess Kidnapped
Aunt Mess was down by the bayou washing clothes the other day, tending to her business.
This gang of fellows pulled up in a car, got out, picked her up and took her away. They kidnapped her, is what they did.
Before the day was over, Uncle Noon got a ransom note:
"Dear Uncle Noon: We have your wife, and if you do not give us $10,000 in small bills, placed in a shoe box under the bridge by six o'clock tonight, we will return your wife unharmed."
-Johnny Hoffmann

Contemporary Wedding
My cousin Loveless just got married for the third time. His new bride, Lanoosh Landreneau, has been to the altar eleven times herself.
We suspect she don't really like men - she just likes wedding cake! She offered to escort Loveless down the aisle, seeing as how she knew the way so well.
Anyhow, before they got married, the priest asked Loveless if he wanted a "contemporary" or "traditional" style wedding.
"Mais, Father, could you tell me what's the difference between them two kinds of weddings?" he asked.
"Well, Loveless, I know you're plenty familiar with the traditional wedding; you've had plenty of experience with that. But a contemporary wedding, that's more modern. The ceremony isn't as formal and doesn't take as long."
"Hold up right there, Father," Loveless said. "That sounds like just what we're looking for. That's what we want - a contemporary wedding."
Well, on the day of the wedding it was raining cats and dogs and Loveless pulled up to the church in his rent-a-car and rent-a-tux. He didn't want to get that tuxedo wet, so he rolled the pants legs up above his knees, and he made a run for the church.
When Loveless got into the church, they rushed him to the altar so they could get the ceremony underway.
The priest began by announcing to the congregation that he would "join Loveless and his lovely bride in Holy Matrimony by means of a contemporary service."
When the priest turned to face the young couple he noticed that in all the hurry to get Loveless to the altar, Loveless had not rolled his pants legs back down. So he leaned over and told him, "Put your pants down, Loveless."
Poor Loveless didn't realize what the priest was asking him, and this nervous look came over him as he asked the priest:
"Father, mais, you think maybe it's not too late to change back to one of them traditional wedding ceremonies?"
-A.J. Smith

The Nutria Industry
I was talking with my cousin, Hebert, in Lafayette and I asked him, "Since you been laid off, what've you been doing?"
"I got me a nutria farm," he said.
"A 'nutria farm'? What are you gonna do with that?" I asked him.
"Oh, don't you see all those good products they advertise that they make out of nutria nowadays? For the women, there is that beauty soap, Nutriagena. If you're overweight, there is that Nutria Sweet."
"Wait a minute, Hebert, you got the right idea, but you're on the wrong track! If you want to make some big money with that you've got to get a government contract. Shoot, man, with all them nutria-powered submarines they got up and down the Mediterranean there ... You know how many nutria it must take to push a big boat like that?"
And Hebert has got to have the last word:
"Oh, I was thinking about getting with some of them scientists at LSU to build a nutria reactor."
"Shoot, Hebert, when I was six years old I had me a nutria reactor. You get you a six-foot cane pole and a steel-jaw trap - and you gonna make a nutria react!"
-A.J. Smith

The Cajun And The Pope
One day, a man in Church Point won the lottery. He was gettin' ready to go on a trip, so he went to the barber to get his hair cut. He sat down in the chair, and the barber asked him:
"What are you gonna do with all that money you won?"
"Well, T-boy," said the man, "I'm gonna take a trip around the world."
"Man, you don't want to do that. If you go around the world, you're gonna forget what it's like to live here. How are you getting over there?" the barber asked.
"I'm taking American Airlines," said the man.
"Oh no!" said the barber. "That's the worst one they got. You don't want to use that at all. What are you gonna do when you get to Rome?"
"Oh, I don't know. I think we have an audience with the Pope."
"Oh yeah?" said the barber. "You and about 3,000 other people. You're never gonna see the Pope."
So the man left and went on his trip. When he returned, he came back to the barber shop.
"So," said the barber, "you went on your trip, T-boy?"
"Oh yeah. And talk about nice! That airplane was the most beautiful I've ever flown on. It was a smooth flight all the way. We landed, and the people were so nice, the stewardess was so friendly. We got the most beautiful hotel in Rome."
"Now, I guess you're gonna tell me you got to see the Pope, too," the barber said.
"Well, sure we got to see the Pope! And after our audience with him he told us to come near him and kneel because he was gonna give us the papal blessing.
"So, he came up to my wife, put his hand on her head and blessed her. Then he walked up to the next guy, put his hand on his head and blessed him.
"Then he walked up to me, put his hand on my head and said, 'Where'd you get that awful haircut, eh?'"
-Ralph Begnaud

A Close Shave
One day, a young stud walked into the barber shop and sat down. He was fixin' to go out that night and was gettin' all decked out. He even had a good-lookin' manicurist doin' his nails. He struck up a conversation with her.
"Hey, you look pretty good. I'm kind of new in town. Would you like to go out with me? Maybe we'll go dancin' on the town. What do you think?"
"No. I'm a married woman. I don't think that my husband would like that," she says.
"I don't think your husband would mind," says the stud. "I think he might even laugh about it. Come on. Why don't you ask your husband if you can go out with me?"
"Why don't you ask him yourself," she says. "He's the one shaving you."
-Ralph Begnaud

Pistache Babineaux, Shortstop And Big Shot Lawyer
Our shortstop was Pistache Babineaux. Not only was Babineaux good, he was smart. After baseball he went on to college, became a lawyer. A darn good one, too.
In fact, just last week there was a fellow on Death Row at Angola. It was all over the news, and on The Phil Domingue Show and everything. He needed a lawyer bad, so he called up Pistache.
"Mr. Babineaux, I'm calling you from Angola State Prison in Louisiana. I'm on Death Row, and in one hour they're going to execute me in the electric chair. You got some advice for me?"
"Yeah. Don't sit down!"

Like all good lawyers, Pistache, he had to become a big shot. And just like all big shots, he had to get him one of those fancy car phones.
He didn't like that! Every time the darn phone would ring, he'd be in the house and he'd have to run to the garage and answer it.
So, he got one of those fancy answering machines. And the message went like this:
"Hello, this is Pistache Babineaux. I can't come to the phone right now, I'm in the house. But, at the sound of the beep, if you want to leave your name and number, I'll call you back next time I'm riding around."
-Murray Conque

Bar Talk
My friend, Maurice, and I decided to go out and get a beer. So we walked into a bar and the only people in there was the bartender and two men sittin' at the bar. So we went in and sat down.
After a while, one of the fellows at the bar turned to the other and started asking him questions.
"Hey, where you from?"
"Oh, I'm from Carencro, Louisiana."
"Me too."
So they drank another beer, and after a while the one said to the other:
"What school did you go to?"
"Oh, I graduated from Carencro High School, class of '68."
"No way, man! Me too! Let's drink a beer on that."
So they drank another beer, and a little while later the one said to the other:
"Say, man, what street did you grow up on?"
"I was born and raised on Church Street."
"Me too! I was born and raised on Church Street. Let's drink a beer on that."
Finally, my friend said to me:
"What in the heck is going on?"
"Oh," I said, "that's just the Boudreaux twins. They're drunk again."
-Murray Conque

Flat Tires And Wise Guys
A few years back, we were driving from Carencro to Lafayette for a baseball game and we caught us a flat tire.
Here you are, on the side of the road, everybody passing, and they all turn their heads and look at you, but nobody stops to help you. Ever notice that?!
Finally one of them state patrolmen drove up. He rolled down his window and stuck his head out.
"Hey! Y'all got a flat tire?" he asked.
"Naw, we were just riding around, and them other three just swole up on us!" I told him.
-Murray Conque

My Friend, Ralph
Ralph Boudreaux is a good friend of mine. In fact, he's such a good friend he told me that whenever I was near Maurice, Louisiana, day or night, to come by and see him.
Well, two weeks ago, about two o'clock in the morning, I left the Maurice City Bar and went to see my buddy, Ralph. I found his house. I knocked on the door, and his wife answered.
"Ma'am," I said. "I know it's kind of late, but is this where the great Ralph Boudreaux lives?"
"Yeah," she said. "Just bring him on in and lay him on the couch."
-Murray Conque

Reprinted from Cajun Humor, published by Acadian House Publishing, 1-800-850-8851.

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Down-Home Cajun Cooking Favorites

This mouth-watering dish of crawfish etouffée is one of the all-time favorite recipes of Cajun Country. Look for the recipe inside the book. Has 140 recipes.

Cajun’s Understanding of Computer Terms

Apple ......................................................Tante Nah-Nah’s favorite pie
Auxiliary Power ...............A shot of Jack Daniel’s before going to work
Backup ............................When you run across a skunk in the woods Barcode .......................Fighting rules at The City Bar in Maurice , La.
Boot up ...............................Where to kick the guy you’re fighting with
Bug ..........................................Reason you give when you call in sick
Byte ........................................What your pit bull did to Cousin Cooter
Cache .................................Needed when you run out of food stamps
Chip ...........................................Pasture muffins you try not to step in
Computer terminal .....................Time to call Melancon Funeral Home
Crash ....................................When you go to T-Boy’s party uninvited
Digital ...........................................The art of counting on your fingers
Diskette ..............................................................Female disco dancer
FAX .......................................................What you lie about to the IRS
Hacker .......................................Your uncle after 53 years of smoking
Hard Copy ............................Picture looked at when selecting tattoos
I.B.M. ....................................................................Inherited birth mark
Internet ....................................Where cafeteria workers put their hair
Keyboard ............................Where you hang up the John Deere keys
Mac .......................................................Big Bubba’s favorite fast food
Megahertz ....................................How your head feels after 17 beers
Modem ..............................What to do when your grass gets too high
Mousepad ............................................Where Mickey and Minnie live
Network ....................Scooping up a big fish before it breaks the hook
On-Line ...........................Where to stay when taking the sobriety test
Optic Fiber ...................Food to make you see better in the rest room
P.C. ..................................................................................Pork Chops
Remote ....................................Changing the water around the castle
ROM ..................................................................Where the Pope lives
Screen ..............................Helps keep mosquitoes off the back porch
Serial Port ........................................Red wine you drink for breakfast
Silicon Valley .......................................Where Pamela Anderson lives
Superconductor ..................................Amtrak’s Employee of the Year
Windows ..........................................What you throw rocks at for kicks

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Children's letters to God :

Dear GOD,
Please help me be the person my dog thinks I am. - Unknown

Dear GOD,
Maybe Cain and Abel would not kill each other so much if they had their own rooms. It works with my brother. - Larry

Dear GOD,
I read the Bible. What does begat mean? Nobody will tell me. - Love, Alison

Dear GOD,
I went to this wedding and they kissed right in church. Is that okay? - Neil

Dear GOD,
What does it mean “You are a Jealous God?” I thought You had everything. - Jane

Dear GOD,
Did you really mean "do unto others as they do unto you"? Because if you did, then I'm going to fix my brother. - Darla

Dear GOD,
Did you mean for the giraffe to look like that or was it an accident? - Norma

Dear GOD,
Instead of letting people die and having to make new ones, why don't You just keep the ones You have now? - Jane

Dear GOD,
Who draws the lines around the countries? - Nan

Dear GOD,
Thank you for the baby brother, but what I prayed for was a puppy. - Joyce

Dear GOD,
It rained for our whole vacation and is my father mad! He said some things about You that people are not supposed to say, but I hope You will not hurt him anyway. Your friend (But I am not going to tell you who I am)

Dear GOD,
Why is Sunday school on Sunday? I thought it was supposed to be our day of rest. - Tom L.

Dear GOD, Please send me a pony. I never asked for anything before, You can look it up.- Bruce

Dear GOD,
If we come back as something - please don't let me be Jennifer Horton because I hate her. - Denise

Dear GOD,
If You give me a genie lamp like Aladdin, I will give you anything you want, except my money or my chess set. - Raphael

Dear GOD,
I want to be just like my Daddy when I get big but not with so much hair all over. - Sam

Dear GOD,
You don't have to worry about me. I always look both ways. - Dean

Dear GOD,
I think the stapler is one of your greatest inventions. -Ruth

Dear GOD,
I think about You sometimes even when I'm not praying. - Elliott

Dear GOD,
I bet it is very hard for You to love all of everybody in the whole world. There are only 4 people in our family and I can never do it. - Nan

Dear GOD,
Of all the people who work for You I like Noah and David the best. - Rob

Dear GOD,
My brother told me about being born but it doesn't sound right. They're just kidding, aren't they? - Marsha

Dear GOD,
If You watch me in church Sunday, I'll show You my new shoes. - Mickey D.

Dear GOD,
I would like to live 900 years like the guy in the Bible. Love, Chris

Dear GOD,
We read Thomas Edison made light. But in school they said You did it. So I bet he stole your idea. Sincerely, Donna

Dear GOD,
The bad people laughed at Noah - "You made an ark on dry land you fool." But he was smart, he stuck with You. That's what I would do. - Eddie

Dear GOD,
I do not think anybody could be a better GOD. Well, I just want You to know but I am not just saying that because You are GOD already. - Charles

Dear GOD,
I didn't think orange went with purple until I saw the sunset you made on Tuesday. That was cool! - Eugene

Dear God,
In Sunday School they told us what You do. Who does it when You are on vacation? - Jane

Dear God,
Are you really invisible or is that a trick? - Lucy

Dear God,
Is it true my father won't get in Heaven if he uses his bowling words in the house? - Anita

Dear God,
My brother is a rat. You should give him a tail. Ha ha. - Danny

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Court Room Questions

THE COURT: Now, as we begin, I must ask you to banish all present information and prejudice from your minds, if you have any.

Q. Did he pick the dog up by the ears?
A. No.
Q. What was he doing with the dog's ears?
A. Picking them up in the air. Q. Where was the dog at this time?
A. Attached to the ears.

Q. And lastly, Gary , all your responses must be oral. O.K.? What school do you go to?
A. Oral.
Q. How old are you?
A. Oral.

Q. What is your relationship with the plaintiff?
A. She is my daughter.
Q. Was she your daughter on February 13, 1979 ?

Q. Now, you have investigated other murders, have you not, where there was a victim?
Q. ...and what did he do then?
A. He came home, and next morning he was dead.
Q. So when he woke up the next morning he was dead?

Q. Did you tell your lawyer that your husband had offered you indignities?
A. He didn't offer me nothing; he just said I could have the furniture.

Q. So, after the anesthesia, when you came out of it, what did you observe with respect to your scalp?
A. I didn't see my scalp the whole time I was in the hospital.
Q. It was covered?
A. Yes, bandaged.
Q. Then, later on what did you see?
A. I had a skin graft. My whole buttocks and leg were removed and put on top of my head.

Q. Could you see him from where you were standing?
A. I could see his head.
Q. And where was his head?
A. Just above his shoulders.

Q. Do you drink when you're on duty?
A. I don't drink when I'm on duty, unless I come on duty drunk.

Q. ...any suggestions as to what prevented this from being a murder trial instead of an attempted murder trial?
A. The victim lived.

Q. Are you sexually active?
A. No, I just lie there.

Q. Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
A. Yes, I have been since early childhood.

Q. The truth of the matter is that you were not an unbiased, objective witness, isn't it. You too, were shot in the fracas?
A. No, sir. I was shot midway between the fracas and the naval.

Q. What is the meaning of sperm being present?
A. It indicates intercourse.
Q. Male sperm?

Q. (showing man picture) That's you?
A. Yes, sir.
Q. And you were present when the picture was taken, right?

Q. Was that the same nose you broke as a child?

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Facts of Marriage

The last fight was my fault. My wife asked, "What's on the TV?" I said, "Dust!"

In the beginning, God created earth and rested. Then God created man and rested. Then God created woman. Since then, neither God nor man has rested.

My wife and I are inseparable. In fact, last week it took four state troopers and a dog.

Why do men die before their wives? They want to.

What is the difference between a dog and a fox? About 5 drinks.

A beggar walked up to a well dressed woman shopping on Rodeo Drive and said, "I haven't eaten anything in four days." She looked at him and said, "God, I wish I had your willpower."

Do you know the punishment for bigamy?
Two Mother-in-laws.

Young Son: Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her? Dad: That happens in every country, son.

A man inserted an 'ad' in the classified: "Wife wanted". Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."

The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.

First guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!"
Second guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive."

How do most men define marriage?
An expensive way to get laundry done for free.

Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.

If you want your wife to listen and pay undivided attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.

Then there was a man who said, "I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; and then it was too late."

A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" And the father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying."

The bumper sticker read: "I lost 250 pounds in one day, I divorced her."

Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are beautiful.

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Funny One-Liners

1. How Do You Catch A Unique Rabbit? Unique Up On It.

2. How Do You Catch A Tame Rabbit? Tame Way, Unique Up On It.

3. How Do Crazy People Go Through The Forest? They Take The Psycho Path

4. How Do You Get Holy Water? You Boil The Hell Out Of It.

5. What Do Fish Say When They Hit A Concrete Wall? Dam!

6. What Do Eskimos Get From Sitting On The Ice too Long? Polaroids

7. What Do You Call A Boomerang That Doesn't work? A Stick.

8. What Do You Call Cheese That Isn't Yours? Nacho Cheese.

9. What Do You Call Santa's Helpers? Subordinate Clauses.

10. What Do You Call Four Bullfighters In Quicksand? Quatro Sinko.

11. What Do You Get From A Pampered Cow? Spoiled Milk.

12. What Do You Get When You Cross A Snowman With A Vampire? Frostbite.

13. What Lies At The Bottom Of The Ocean And Twitches? A Nervous Wreck.

14. What's The Difference Between Roast Beef And Pea Soup? Anyone Can Roast Beef.

15. Where Do You Find A Dog With No Legs? Right Where You Left Him.

16. Why Do Gorillas Have Big Nostrils? Because They Have Big Fingers.

17. Why Don't Blind People Like To Sky Dive? Because It Scares The Dog.

18. What Kind Of Coffee Was Served On The Titanic? Sanka.

19. What’s the difference between a Harley and a Hoover? The location of the dirt bag.

20. Why Did Pilgrims' Pants Always Fall Down? Because They Wore Their Belt Buckle On Their Hat.

21. What's The Difference Between A Bad Golfer And A Bad Skydiver?
A Bad Golfer Goes, Whack, Dang! A Bad Skydiver Goes Dang! Whack.

22. How Are A Texas Tornado And A Tennessee Divorce The Same? Somebody's gonna lose a trailer.

Funny quotes from Groucho Marx

I never forget a face, but in your case I’ll be glad to make an exception.

Although it is generally known, I think it’s about time to announce that I was born at a very early age.

From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter. Someday I intend reading it.

I read in the newspapers they are going to have 30 minutes of intellectual stuff on television every Monday from 7:30 to 8…. to educate America. They couldn’t educate America if they started at 6:30.

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Kids say the darnedest things.
Some grade school teachers must agree with that, because they keep journals of amusing things their students have written in papers. Here are a few examples:

- The future of "I give" is "I take."

- The parts of speech are lungs and air.

- To keep milk from turning sour, keep it in the cow boob.

- I'm not sure how clouds are formed, but clouds know how to do it, and that's the important thing.

- Someday we might discover magnets that can point in any direction.

- The inhabitants of Moscow are called Mosquitoes.

- A census taker is a man who goes from house to house increasing the population.

- Water is composed of two gins. Oxygin and hydrogin. Oxygin is pure gin. Hydrogin is gin and water.

- (Define H2O and CO2.) H2O is hot water and CO2 is cold water.

- A virgin forest is a forest where the hand of man has never set foot.

- The general direction of the Alps is straight up.

- A city purifies its water supply by filtering the water then forcing it through an aviator.

- Most of the houses in France are made of plaster of Paris.

- The people who followed the Lord were called the 12 opossums.

- The spinal column is a long bunch of bones. The head sits on the top and you sit on the bottom.

- We do not raise silk worms in the United States, because we get our silk from rayon. He is a larger worm and gives more silk.

- One of the main causes of dust is janitors.

- A scout obeys all to whom obedience is due and respects all duly constipated authorities.

- One by-product of raising cattle is calves.

- To prevent head colds, use an agonizer to spray into the nose until it drips into the throat.

- The four seasons are salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.

- The climate is hottest next to the Creator.

- Oliver Cromwell had a large red nose, but under it were deeply religious feelings.

- The word trousers is an uncommon noun because it is singular at the top and plural at the bottom.

- Syntax is all the money collected at the church from sinners.

- The blood circulates through the body by flowing down one leg and up the other.

- In spring, the salmon swim upstream to spoon.

- Iron was discovered because someone smelt it.

- In the middle of the 18th century, all the morons moved to Utah.

- A person should take a bath once in the summer, not so often in the winter.

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Jokes about Jesuits

1) Company of Jesus:
One cold winter's day in Bethlehem, just after he had been born, Jesus is lying asleep in the manger. Awaking from his nap, he opens his eyes, sees the ox and the ass standing beside him, and thinks to himself, "So this is the Company of Jesus!"

2) Definition:
JESUITS: An order of priests known for their ability to found colleges with good basketball teams. (from "A Catholic Dictionary")

3) Holy Smoke:
There is always a right way and a wrong way to succeed:
Two Jesuit novices both wanted a cigarette while they prayed. They decided to ask their superior for permission. The first asked but was told no. A little while later he spotted his friend smoking. "Why did the superior allow you to smoke and not me?" he asked. His friend replied, "Because you asked if you could smoke while you meditated, and I asked if I could meditate while I smoked!"

4) Limits to God's Knowledge:
There are three things that even God does not know about the Church:
1. How many congregations of religious women there are!
2. How much money the Franciscans have stashed away!
3. What the Jesuits are going to do next!

5) Vocation:
One day a local pastor was visiting the home of some parishioners who had a teenage son. The parents were worried about what career their son would choose, but the pastor said he had a simple test that could predict what would become of him.

He would put three objects on a table and let the young man choose whichever one he wanted to have: a Bible, a wallet, and a bottle of scotch. If the boy chose the Bible, he would probably become a priest; if he chose the wallet, he'd be a banker, and if he chose the bottle, he'd become a worthless bum.

So the parents called their son into the room, and the pastor told him he could have whichever object he wished. When the boy promptly picked up all three, the pastor cried out, "Heaven forbid! He's going to be a Jesuit!"

Jesuits and Other Religious Orders:

6) Back to Business:
The Franciscans, Dominicans, and Jesuits were having a big meeting that went well into the middle of the night. Suddenly all the lights went out in the meeting room. The Franciscans immediately took out guitars and sang songs, and the Dominicans began preaching. But the Jesuits went to the basement, found the fuse box and reset the breaker.

7) Desert Island:
A Jesuit, a Dominican, and a Trappist were marooned on a desert island. They found a magic lamp, and after some discussion decided to rub it. Lo and behold, a genie appeared and offered them three wishes. They decided it was only fair that they could each have one wish. The Jesuit said he wanted to teach at the world's most famous university, and poof, he was gone! The Dominican wished to preach in the world's largest church, and poof, he was gone! Then the Trappist said, "Geee, I already got my wish!"

8) Driving and Drinking:
Then there was the Jesuit out for a drive who crashed into another car, only to discover that the other driver was a Franciscan. "It was my fault," each of them insisted -- as is only right and proper with religious men. The Jesuit in his concern for the other said, "You look badly shaken up. You could probably use a good stiff drink right now to calm down." So he produced a flask. The Franciscan drank and said, "Thank you; I feel much better now." The Jesuit said, "You still look a little rattled, have another drink." And the Frannie did. "One more," said the Jesuit," and you'll be feeling fine again." The Franciscan, after taking a drink, said, "But Father, you're probably shaken up too. Why don't you have a drink." "I will," said the Jesuit, "but I think I'll wait until after the police have come."

9) Golf:
A Franciscan, and Dominican, and a Jesuit were out playing golf one day. They were moving along the course quite well, until they got stuck behind a group of golfers who were taking quite a long time and weren't letting anyone else play through. Feeling a little frustrated, the three went up to the head of the group and asked what was going on. He told the three priests that they were part of a special program that allowed the blind to play golf. Each blind person was paired off with a sighted player who would help him line up the shot and give him advice on what else to do.

The Franciscan was deeply edified by this display of generosity. He apologized for being so pushy, and announced that he was so impressed by this example of service that he would incorporate it into his own prayer and service to the poor. The Dominican, too, was touched by their example, and declared that he would use this display of service in his preaching, and help others to work with those in need around them.

The Jesuit, finally, was deeply moved by their ministry. He took the fellow aside and encouraged him to continue with his work. However, he had to add one qualification: "Don't you think it would be a lot easier for everyone if they played at night?"

10) Going Back:
An Augustinian, a Franciscan, and a Jesuit all die and get to heaven. Jesus asks each one, "If you could go back, what would you change"?

The Augustinian ponders a while and says, "There's so much sin in the world. If I went back, I'd try and stop people from sinning so much."

The Franciscan thinks a bit and says, "There's so much poverty in the world. If I went back, I'd try and get people to share more of their wealth with the poor."

The Jesuit looks at Jesus and quickly replies, "If I went back, I'd change my doctor."

11) Haircuts:
A Franciscan gets a haircut, and then asks how much he owes. The barber says he never charges clergy. The Franciscan thanks the barber and the next day there's a big basket of fresh bread from the Franciscans' kitchens.

An Augustinian gets his hair cut by the same barber. The barber says he never charges clergy. So, the next day the barber receives a nice bottle of wine from the Augustinians' wine cellar.
A Jesuit gets his haircut. The barber again says he never charges clergy. The next day there are twelve Jesuits waiting for him when he gets to work.

12) Last Wishes:
A man has three sons who entered three different religious orders: the oldest became a Dominican, the second a Franciscan, and the youngest a Jesuit. On his deathbed, the father tells his sons, "I know you all have vows of poverty, but as a sign of your love for me, I want each of you to place one thousand dollars into my casket to be buried with me."

On the day of the funeral, the Dominican son steps up, places $1000 in the casket, and says, "This seems like a waste of money, since you can't take it with you, Dad. But with the special permission of my superiors, I'm doing as you requested, as a sign of my love."
Next, the Franciscan son approaches the casket and says, "You know I love you, Dad, but the needs of the poor are so great, I just can't let $1000 be buried with you. I hope you understand, now that you are in heaven. Please forgive me."

Finally, the Jesuit son comes forward and says to his brother, "Don't worry, Frank. I'll pay your share." Then he reaches into the casket, takes the cash left by his eldest brother, and puts in a check for $3000.

13) Let God Be the Judge:
A Franciscan and a Dominican were debating about whose order was the greater. After months of arguing, they decided to ask for an answer from God when they died. Years later, they met in heaven and decided to go to the throne of God to resolve their old disagreement. God seemed a bit puzzled about the question and told them he would reply in writing a few days later. After much deliberation, God sent the following letter:
My beloved children,

Please stop bickering about such trivial matters. Both of your orders are equally great and good in my eyes.

Sincerely yours,

God, S.J.

14) Long Training:
A mother goes to her pastor and explains that her son seems very interested in becoming a priest. She would like to know what this will require. So the priest begins to explain: "If he wants to become a diocesan priest, he'll have to study for eight years. If he wants to become a Franciscan, he'll have to study for ten years. If he wants to become a Jesuit, he'll have to study for fourteen years." [This joke originated back when young men entered seminaries right after high school.] The mother listens carefully, and as the priest concludes, her eyes brighten. "Sign him up for that last one, Father -- he's a little slow!"

15) Meeting the Holy Family:
A Jesuit, a Dominican, and a Franciscan were walking along an old road, debating the greatness of their orders. Suddenly, an apparition of the Holy Family appeared in front of them, with Jesus in a manger and Mary and Joseph praying over him.

The Franciscan fell on his face, overcome with awe at the sight of God born in such poverty.

The Dominican fell to his knees, adoring the beautiful reflection of the Trinity and the Holy Family.

The Jesuit walked up to Joseph, put his arm around his shoulder, and said, "So, have you thought about where to send the boy to school?"

16) Not Ready to Go:
Three priests, a Dominican, a Franciscan, and a Jesuit, were in the same hospice. All were near death. One evening, the Angel of Death appeared before them and informed them that it was their time. He said, however, that each could have a final request before accompanying him from this world.

The Dominican went first and he asked to gaze upon the face of his Savior. In an instant the face of Christ appeared before him. He was satisfied and felt he could die with no regrets.

The Franciscan was next. He asked to touch the wounds in the hands and feet of Jesus before he died. No sooner than Christ appeared and invited him, as he did Thomas, to examine His wounds. The dying priest touched Christ's hands and feet, wept with joy and was content and at peace. Finally the Angel of Death turned to the Jesuit and asked his final request. Without hesitation the Jesuit replied: "I'd like a second opinion."

17) Novena:
A man walked up to a Franciscan and a Jesuit and asked, "How many novenas must you say to get a Mercedes Benz?" The Franciscan asked, "What's a Mercedes Benz?" The Jesuit asked, "What's a novena?"

18) Secrets:
There was a priests' retreat at some retreat house and during the course of it the retreat master asked them to break up into groups of three. They were then to share their deepest darkest secrets, things they had never shared with anyone else ever.

The Dominican priest after much hemming and hawing said that he was an alcoholic. He had been so ashamed to tell anyone before. He drank all the time and just couldn't kick the problem. He was so glad that in the sacredness of this small group he could share this and now he felt so good, so free.

The Franciscan priest hesitated, but finally said he thought he could trust the other two and that his problem was gambling. He had been unable to control his urge to go to bet way beyond his means. He was also very ashamed of his habit and was so grateful that he could finally share it in such a context with his fellow priest.

It was the Jesuit's turn. He told the other two that he was grateful for their openness and honesty. He said he was so ashamed of his own problem. He had been working on it for years but hadn't yet gotten a handle on it. He had tried hypnosis and therapy, but nothing, he said, had helped him overcome his compulsion to gossip.

19) Sharing the Faith:
A Jesuit and a Franciscan sat down to dinner, and pie was served for dessert. There were two pieces of pie, one cut smaller than the other. The Jesuit reached over and took the larger piece for himself. The Franciscan remonstrated, "St. Francis always taught us to take the meaner piece." So the Jesuit replied, "And so you have it!"

20) Sharks:

When their ship sank a Benedictine, a Dominican, a Franciscan, and a Jesuit were crowded into a small lifeboat. It had a small leak and was in ever greater danger of sinking. Unfortunately, the boat was also surrounded by sharks. 

So the Dominican, confident in the preaching prowess of his order, stood on the prow and begin to preach to the sharks about Christian charity and the virtues of vegetarianism; but his sermon was cut short by a leaping shark who consumed him in one gulp. 

Then the Benedictine stood on the prow and began to charm the sharks with a stupendous rendition of the Exsultet, but just when he got to the part about the mother bee (mater apis) another shark dispatched him with a single gulp. 

Shortly thereafter the Franciscan, climbing onto the prow, began to pray, "Blessed are you, Lord my God, for brother shark,..." when one of the sister sharks cut him off in mid-benediction. 

Soon the lifeboat sank, leaving the Jesuit in the water with the sharks. But instead of eating him, several sharks towed him to shore and cast him up on the dry land. Stunned, he turned to ask them why they had not devoured him. They replied, "Professional courtesy!"

21) Similarities and Differences:
What is similar about the Jesuit and Dominican Orders?
    Well, they were both founded by Spaniards, St. Dominic for the Dominicans, and St. Ignatius of Loyola for the Jesuits. 
    They were also both founded to combat heresy: the Dominicans to fight the Albigensians, and the Jesuits to fight the Protestants.
What is different about the Jesuit and Dominican Orders?
    Well, have you met any Albigensians lately?

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Learn Oriental Language

Are you harboring a fugitive?
Hu Yu Hai Ding?

See me A.S.A.P.
Kum Hia Nao

Stupid Man
Dum Gai

Did you go to the beach?
Wai Yu So Tan?

I bumped into a coffee table.
Ai Bang Mai Ni

I think you need a facelift.
Chin Tu Fat

Has your flight been delayed?
Hao Long Wei Ting?

That was an unauthorized execution.
Lin Ching

I thought you were on a diet.
Wai Yu Mun Ching?

This is a tow away zone.
No Pah King

Do you know the lyrics to the Macarena?
Wai Yu Sing Dum Song?

You are not very bright.
Yu So Dum.

I got this for free.
Ai No Pei.

I am not guilty.
Wai Hang Mi?

Our meeting was scheduled for next week.
Wai Yu Kum Nao?

They have arrived
Heea Dei Kum.

Your body odor is offensive!
Huu Man...Go!

Chinese word for constipation:
Hung Chow

Pew! does this bathroom stink!
Hu Flung Dung?

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Letter From Redneck Mom To Her Son

Dear son,
I'm writing this slow, 'cause I know you can't read fast. We don't live where we did when you left. Your dad read in the paper where most accidents happen within twenty miles of home, so we moved. I won't be able to send you the address, as the last redneck family that lived here took the numbers with them for their next house so they wouldn't have to change their address.

This place has a washing machine. The first day I put four shirts in it and pulled the chain and I haven't seen them since.

It only rained twice this week, three days the first time, and four days the second time.

The coat you wanted me to send you, your Aunt Sue said that it would be too heavy to mail with heavy buttons, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets.

We got a bill from the funeral home. They said that if we didn't make the last payment on grandma's funeral, up she comes.

About your father, he has a lovely new job. He has about 500 people under him. He's cutting grass at the cemetery.

About your sister, she had a baby this morning, but I haven't found out if it's a girl or a boy, so I can't tell you if you are an aunt or an uncle.

Your uncle John fell in the whiskey vat. Some men tried to pull him out, but he fought them off playfully, so he drowned. We cremated him. He burned for three days.

Three of your friends went off te bridge in a pickup. One was driving, the other two were in the back. The driver got out. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. The other two drowned. They couldn't get the tailgate down.

Not much more news this time, nothing happened. Write more often.

Love,
Mom

P.S. I was going to send you some money, but the envelope was sealed.

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Marriage Perceptions

SUCCESS:
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

STYLE:
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

MONEY MANAGEMENT:
A man is a person who will pay two dollars for a one-dollar item he wants.
A woman will pay one dollar for a two-dollar item that she doesn't want.

HAPPINESS:
To be happy with a man you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
To be happy with a woman you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.

MARRIAGE EXPECTATIONS:
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change and she does.

MARRIAGE DECISIONS:
Men marry because they are tired.
Women marry because they are curious.
Both are disappointed.

MARRIAGE AND THE FUTURE:
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband,
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

MEMORIES:
A woman will always cherish the memory of the man who wanted to marry her.
A man cherishes the memory of the woman who he didn't marry.

UNDERSTANDING WOMEN:
There are two times when a man doesn't understand a woman - before marriage and after marriage.

WHAT A WOMAN WANTS:
Only two things are necessary to keep one's wife happy...
- One is to let her think she is having her own way.
- The other is to let her have it.

LONGEVITY:
Married men live longer than single men, but married men are a lot more willing to die.

MISTAKES:
Any married man should forget his mistakes - no use two people remembering the same thing.

THE BATTLE:
A woman always has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

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Problems Upgrading from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0

Dear Sir,

Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 and noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources. No mention of this phenomenon was included in the product brochure. In addition, Wife 1.0 installs itself into all other programs and launches during system initialization where it monitors all other system activity.

Applications such as Poker Night 10.3, WWF 2.5, and 3 Stooges 5.0 no longer run, crashing the system whenever elected. I cannot seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run some of my other favorite applications. I am thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0 but un-install does not work on the program. Can you help me ?

---reply---

Dear Sir:

This is a very common problem men complain about but is mostly due to a primary misconception. Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 with the idea that Wife 1.0 is merely a "UTILITIES & ENTERTAINMENT" program.

Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and designed by its creator to run everything. It is unlikely you would be able to purge Wife 1.0 and still convert back to Girlfriend 7.0. Hidden operating files within your system would cause Girlfriend 7.0 to emulate Wife 1.0 so nothing is gained.

It is possible to UN-install, delete, or purge the program files from the system once installed. However, you cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0
because Wife 1.0 is not designed to do this. Some have tried to install Girlfriend 8.0 or Wife 2.0 but end up with more problems than the original system. Look in your manual under "Warnings - Alimony/Child Support". I recommend you keep Wife 1.0 and just deal with the situation.

Having Wife 1.0 installed myself, I might also suggest you read the entire section regarding General Protection Faults ( GPFs). You must assume all responsibility for faults and problems that might occur, regardless of their cause. The best course of action will be enter the command C>APOLOGIZE. In any case, avoid excessive use of the "Esc" key because ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the operating system will return to normal. The system will run smoothly as long as you take the blame for all GPFs.

Wife 1.0 is a great program, but very high maintenance. Good luck.

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The World According to Student Bloopers
Richard Lederer
St. Paul's School

One of the fringe benefits of being an English or History teacher is receiving the occasional jewel of a student blooper in an essay. I have pasted together the following "history" of the world from certifiably genuine student bloopers collected by teachers throughout the United States, from eight grade through college level. Read carefully, and you will learn a lot.

The inhabitants of Egypt were called mummies and they all wrote in hydraulics. They lived in the Sarah Dessert and traveled by Camelot. The climate of the Sarah is such that the inhabitants have to live elsewhere, so certain areas of the dessert are cultivated by irritation. The Egyptians built the Pyramids in the shape of a huge triangular cube. The Pramids are a range of mountains between France and Spain.

The Bible is full of interesting caricatures. In the first book of the Bible, Guinesses, Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. One of their children, Cain, asked "Am I my brother's son?" God asked Abraham to sacrifice Issac on Mount Montezuma. Jacob, son of Issac, stole his brother's birthmark. Jacob was a partiarch who brought up his twelve sons to be partiarchs, but they did not take to it. One of Jacob's sons, Joseph, gave refuse to the Israelites.

Pharaoh forced the Hebrew slaves to make bread without straw. Moses led them to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread, which is bread made without any ingredients. Afterwards, Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten commandments. David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar. He fougth with the Philatelists, a race of people who lived in Biblical times. Solomon, one of David's sons, had 500 wives and 500 porcupines.
Without the Greeks, we wouldn't have history. The Greeks invented three kinds of columns - Corinthian, Doric and Ironic. They also had myths. A myth is a female moth. One myth says that the mother of Achilles dipped him in the River Stynx until he became intolerable. Achilles appears in "The Illiad", by Homer. Homer also wrote the "Oddity", in which Penelope was the last hardship that Ulysses endured on his journey. Actually, Homer was not written by Homer but by another man of that name.

Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving people advice. They killed him. Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock.

In the Olympic Games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled the biscuits, and threw the java. The reward to the victor was a coral wreath. The government of Athen was democratic because the people took the law into their own hands. There were no wars in Greece, as the mountains were so high that they couldn't climb over to see what their neighbors were doing. When they fought the Parisians, the Greeks were outnumbered because the Persians had more men.

Eventually, the Ramons conquered the Geeks. History call people Romans because they never stayed in one place for very long. At Roman banquets, the guests wore garlic in their hair. Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul. The Ides of March killed him because they thought he was going to be made king. Nero was a cruel tyrany who would torture his poor subjects by playing the fiddle to them.

Then came the Middle Ages. King Alfred conquered the Dames, King Arthur lived in the Age of Shivery, King Harlod mustarded his troops before the Battle of Hastings, Joan of Arc was burnt to a steak and was cannonized by George Bernard Shaw, and the victims of the Black Death grew boobs on their necks. Finally, the Magna Carta provided that no free man should be hanged twice for the same offense.

In midevil times most of the people were alliterate. The greatest writer of the time was Chaucer, who wrote many poems and verse and also wrote literature. Another tale tells of William Tell, who shot an arrow through an apple while standing on his son's head.
The Renaissance was an age in which more individuals felt the value of their human being. Martin Luther was nailed to the church door at Wittenberg for selling papal indulgences. He died a horrible death, being excommunicated by a bull. It was the painter Donatello's interest in the female nude that made him the father of the Renaissance. It was an age of great inventions and discoveries. Gutenberg invented the Bible. Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure because he invented cigarettes. Another important invention was the circulation of blood. Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100-foot clipper.

The government of England was a limited mockery. Henry VIII found walking difficult because he had an abbess on his knee. Queen Elizabeth was the "Virgin Queen." As a queen she was a success. When Elizabeth exposed herself before her troops, they all shouted "hurrah." Then her navy went out and defeated the Spanish Armadillo.

The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespear. Shakespear never made much money and is famous only because of his plays. He lived in Windsor with his merry wives, writing tragedies, comedies and errors. In one of Shakespear's famous plays, Hamlet rations out his situation by relieving himself in a long soliloquy. In another, Lady Macbeth tries to convince Macbeth to kill the King by attacking his manhood. Romeo and Juliet are an example of a heroic couplet. Writing at the same time as Shakespear was Miquel Cervantes. He wrote "Donkey Hote". The next great author was John Milton. Milton wrote "Paradise Lost." Then his wife dies and he wrote "Paradise Regained."

During the Renaissance America began. Christopher Columbus was a great navigator who discovered America while cursing about the Atlantic. His ships were called the Nina, the Pinta, and the Santa Fe. Later the Pilgrims crossed the Ocean, and this was called the Pilgrim's Progress. When they landed at Plymouth Rock, they were greeted by Indians, who came down the hill rolling their war hoops before them. The Indian squabs carried porposies on their back. Many of the Indian heroes were killed, along with their cabooses, which proved very fatal to them. The winter of 1620 was a hard one for the settlers. Many people died and many babies were born. Captain John Smith was responsible for all this.

One of the causes of the Revolutionary Wars was the English put tacks in their tea. Also, the colonists would send their parcels through the post without stamps. During the War, Red Coats and Paul Revere was throwing balls over stone walls. The dogs were barking and the peacocks crowing. Finally, the colonists won the War and no longer had to pay for taxis.
Delegates from the original thirteen states formed the Contented Congress. Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin, and Benjamin Franklin were two singers of the Declaration of Independence. Franklin had gone to Boston carrying all his clothes in his pocket and a loaf of bread under each arm. He invented electricity by rubbing cats backwards and declared "a horse divided against itself cannot stand." Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead.

George Washington married Matha Curtis and in due time became the Father of Our Country. Them the Constitution of the United States was adopted to secure domestic hostility. Under the Constitution the people enjoyed the right to keep bare arms.

Abraham Lincoln became America's greatest Precedent. Lincoln's mother died in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which he built with his own hands. When Lincoln was President, he wore only a tall silk hat. He said, "In onion there is strength." Abraham Lincoln write the Gettysburg address while traveling from Washington to Gettysburg on the back of an envelope. He also signed the Emasculation Proclamation, and the Fourteenth Amendment gave the ex-Negroes citizenship. But the Clue Clux Clan would torcher and lynch the ex-Negroes and other innocent victims. On the night of April 14, 1865, Lincoln went to the theater and got shot in his seat by one of the actors in a moving picture show. The believed assinator was John Wilkes Booth, a supposedly insane actor. This ruined Booth's career.
Meanwhile in Europe, the enlightenment was a reasonable time. Voltare invented electricity and also wrote a book called "Candy". Gravity was invented by Issac Walton. It is chiefly noticeable in the Autumn, when the apples are flaling off the trees.

Bach was the most famous composer in the world, and so was Handel. Handel was half German, half Italian and half English. He was very large. Bach died from 1750 to the present. Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf he wrote loud music. He took long walks in the forest even when everyone was calling for him. Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died for this.

France was in a very serious state. The French Revolution was accomplished before it happened. The Marseillaise was the theme song of the French Revolution, and it catapulted into Napoleon. During the Napoleonic Wars, the crowned heads of Europe were trembling in their shoes. Then the Spanish gorrilas came down from the hills and nipped at Napoleon's flanks. Napoleon became ill with bladder problems and was very tense and unrestrained. He wanted an heir to inheret his power, but since Josephine was a baroness, she couldn't bear him any children.

The sun never set on the British Empire because the British Empire is in the East and the sun sets in the West. Queen Victoria was the longest queen. She sat on a thorn for 63 years. Her reclining years and finally the end of her life were exemplatory of a great personality. Her death was the final event which ended her reign.

The nineteenth century was a time of many great inventions and thoughts. The invention of the steamboat caused a network of rivers to spring up. Cyrus McCormick invented the McCormick Raper, which did the work of a hundred men. Samuel Morse invented a code for telepathy. Louis Pastuer discovered a cure for rabbis. Charles Darwin was a naturailst who wrote the "Organ of the Species". Madman Curie discovered radio. And Karl Marx became one of the Marx Brothers.

The First World War, cause by the assignation of the Arch-Duck by a surf, ushered in a new error in the anals of human history.

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More Student Bloopers by Richard Lederer, St. Paul 's School

"These are from test papers and essays submitted to science and health teachers by junior high, high school, and college students around the world. It is truly astonishing what weird science our young scholars can create under the pressures of time and grades."

"When you breath, you inspire. When you do not breath, you expire."

"H2O is hot water, and CO2 is cold water."

"To collect fumes of sulphur, hold a deacon over a flame in a test tube."

"When you smell an oderless gas, it is probably carbon monoxide."

"Nitrogen is not found in Ireland because it is not found in a free state ."

"Water is composed of two gins, Oxygin and Hydrogin. Oxygin is pure gin. Hydrogin is gin and water."

"Three kinds of blood vessels are arteries, vanes and caterpillars."

"Blood flows down one leg and up the other."

"Respiration is composed of two acts, first inspiration, and then expectoration."

"The moon is a planet just like the earth, only it is even deader."

"Artifical insemination is when the farmer does it to the cow instead of the bull."

"Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them and makes them perspire."

"A super-saturated solution is one that holds more than it can hold."

"Mushrooms always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas."

"The body consists of three parts- the brainium, the borax and the abominable cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abominable cavity contains the bowls, of which there are five - a, e, i, o, and u."

"The pistol of a flower is its only protection against insects."

"The alimentary canal is located in the northern part of Indiana ."

"The skeleton is what is left after the insides have been taken out and the outsides have been taken off. The purpose of the skeleton is something to hitch meat to."

"A permanent set of teeth consists of eight canines, eight cuspids, two molars, and eight cuspidors."

"The tides are a fight between the Earth and moon. All water tends towards the moon, because there is no water in the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight."

"A fossil is an extinct animal. The older it is, the more extinct it is."

"Many women believe that an alcoholic binge will have no ill effects on the unborn fetus, but that is a large misconception."

"Equator: A managerie lion running around the Earth through Africa."

"Germinate: To become a naturalized German."

"Liter: A nest of young puppies."

"Magnet: Something you find crawling all over a dead cat."

"Momentum: What you give a person when they are going away."

"Planet: A body of Earth surrounded by sky."

"Rhubarb: A kind of celery gone bloodshot."

"Vacumm: A large, empty space where the pope lives."

"Before giving a blood transfusion, find out if the blood is affirmative or negative."

"To remove dust from the eye, pull the eye down over the nose."

"For a nosebleed: Put the nose much lower then the body until the heart stops."

"For drowning: Climb on top of the person and move up and down to make artifical perspiration."

"For fainting: Rub the person's chest or, if a lady, rub her arm above the hand instead. Or put the head between the knees of the nearest medical doctor."

"For dog bite: put the dog away for several days. If he has not recovered, then kill it."

"For asphyxiation: Apply artificial respiration until the patient is dead."

"To prevent contraception: wear a condominium."

"For head cold: use an agonizer to spray the nose until it drops in your throat."

"To keep milk from turning sour: Keep it in the cow boob."

Q: What does the word "benign" mean?
A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight.

Q: What is a turbine?
A: Something an Arab wears on his head.

Q: What happens to your body as you age?
A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.

Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A: He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.

Q: Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
A: Premature death.

Q: What is the Fibula?
A: A small lie.

Q: What does "varicose" mean?
A: Nearby.

Q: Give the meaning of the term "Caesarian Section."
A: The caesarian section is a district in Rome.

Q: What is a seizure?
A: A Roman emperor.

Q: What is a terminal illness?
A: When you are sick at the airport.

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You are an Internet Addict when...

1.) You refer to going to the bathroom as downloading.

2.) You step out of your room and realize that your parents have moved and you don't have a clue as to when it happened.

3.) Your bookmark takes 15 minutes to go from top to bottom.

4.) Your nightmares are in HTML and GIFS.

5.) You turn off your modem and get this awful empty feeling, like you just pulled the plug on a loved one.

6.) You start introducing yourself as "Jim at net dot com"

7.) Your heart races faster and beats irregularly each time you see a new WWW site address on TV.

8.) You turn on your intercom when leaving the room so you can hear if new e-mail arrives.

9.) Your wife drapes a blond wig over your monitor to remind you of what she looks like.

10.) All of your friends have an @ in their names.

11.) When looking at a web page full of someone else's links, you notice all of them are already highlighted in purple.

12.) Your dog has its own home page.

13.) You can't call your mother... She doesn't have a modem.

14.) You check your mail. It says "no new messages." So you check it again.

15.) Your phone bill is as heavy as a brick.

16.) You write your homework in HTML and give your instructor the URL.

17.) You don't know the sex of three of your closest friends, because they have neutral nicknames and you never bothered to ask.

18.) Your husband tells you that he has had the beard for 2 months.

19.) You wake up at 3 a.m. to go to the bathroom and stop and check your e-mail on the way back to bed.

20.) You tell the kids they can't use the computer because "Daddy's got work to do" -- even though you don't have a job.

21.) You buy a Captain Kirk chair with a built-in keyboard and mouse.

22.) Your wife makes a new rule: "The computer cannot come to bed."

23.) You get a tattoo that says "This body best viewed with Netscape 6.0 or higher."

24.) You never have to deal with busy signals when calling your ISP... because you never log off.

25.) The last girl you picked up was only a GIF.

26.) You ask a plumber how much it would cost to replace the chair in front of your computer with a toilet.

27.) Your wife says communication is important in a marriage...
so you buy another computer and install a second phone line so the two of you can chat.

28.) As your car crashes through the guardrail on a mountain road, your first instinct is to search for the "back" button.

You know you are in Louisiana in July when…

The birds have to use potholders to pull worms out of the ground.  
The trees are whistling for the dogs.
The best parking place is determined by shade instead of distance.
Hot water now comes out of both taps.
You can make sun tea instantly.
You learn that a seat belt buckle makes a pretty good branding iron.
The temperature drops below 95 and you feel a little chilly.
You discover that in July it only takes 2 fingers to steer your car.
You discover that you can get sunburned through your car window.
You actually burn your hand opening the car door.
You break into a sweat the instant you step outside at 7:30 a.m.
Your biggest bicycle wreck fear is, "What if I get knocked out and end up lying on the pavement and cook to death?"  
You realize that asphalt has a liquid state.
The potatoes cook underground, so all you have to do is pull one out and add butter, salt and pepper.  
Farmers are feeding their chickens crushed ice to keep them from laying boiled eggs.
The cows are giving evaporated milk.  
Ah, what a place to call home.
God Bless Our State of LOUISIANA
We sure need it!!

A LOUISIANA BLESSING

Note: If you are not a resident of LOUISIANA or never have lived in the hot, humid South, you may not understand the weight of this blessing!

Bless this house, oh Lord, we cry.
Please keep it cool in mid-July.
Bless the walls where termites dine,
While ants and roaches march in time.  
Bless our yard where spiders pass
Fire ant castles in the grass.  
Bless the garage, a home to please
Carpenter beetles, ticks and fleas.
Bless the love bugs two by two,
the gnats and mosquitoes that feed on you.
Millions of creatures that fly or crawl,
in LOUISIANA , Lord, you've put them all!
But this is home, and here we'll stay,
So thank you Lord, for insect spray.

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You're Probably From Louisiana if…

1. You ever wore shorts at Christmas time.
2. You pronounce Lafayette as "Laffy-ette" not "La-fay-ette"
3. You learned to drive a boat before you could drive a car.
4. You know the meaning of a "Delcambre Reeboks" (that would be
a pair of all white fishing boots)
5. You offer somebody a "coke" and then ask them what kind:
Coca-Cola, Dr. Pepper, Pepsi, 7Up?
6. You can name all of your 3rd cousins.
7. You plan your wedding around hunting season & LSU football.
8. You greet people with "Ha's ya momma'an'dem?" and hear back
"Dey fine!"
9. Every so often, you have waterfront property.
10. When giving directions you use words like"uptown", "downtown" "backatown", "riverside", "lakeside","northshore", "westbank", "down the bayou" or "across the river."
11. When you refer to a geographical location "way up North", you are referring to places like Shreveport, Little Rock or Memphis, "where it gets real cold"!
12. Your burial plot is six feet over rather than six feet under.
13. You've ever had Community Coffee.
14. You can pronounce Tchoupitoulas but can't spell it. (also, Thibodaux, Opelousas, Pontchartrain, Ouachita, Atchafalaya.)
15. You don't worry when you see ships riding higher in the river than the top of your house.
16. You judge a po-boy by the number of napkins used.
17. The waitress at your local sandwich shop tells you a fried oyster po-boy dressed" is healthier than a Caesar salad.
18. You know the definition of "dressed".
19. You can eat Popeye's, Haydel's and Zapp's for lunch and wash it down with Barq's and several Abitas, without losing it all on your stoop.
20. The smell of a crawfish boil turns you on more than HBO.
21. You "wrench" your hands in the sink with an onion bar to get the crawfish smell off.
22. You're not afraid when someone wants to "ax you something".
23. You go by "ya-mom-en-'dems" on Good Friday for family supper.
24. You don't learn until high school that Mardi Gras is not a national holiday.
25. You don't realize until high school what a "county" is.
26. You believe that purple, green and gold look good together (and you will even eat things those colors).
27. You go to buy a new winter coat (what most people refer to as windbreakers)
28. Your last name isn't pronounced the way it's spelled.
29. You know what a nutria rat is but you still pick it to represent your baseball team.
30. You have a ditch on at least one side of your property.
31. You have spent a summer afternoon on the Lake Pontchartrain seawall catching blue crabs.
32. You describe a color as "K&B Purple".
33. You like your rice and politics dirty.
34. When given the choice for Governor between a KKK leader and Edwin Edwards, it's a difficult decision.
35. You pronounce the largest city in the state as "Newawlins".
36. You know those big roaches can fly, but you're able to sleep at night anyway.
37. You prefer skiing on the bayou.
38. You assume everyone has mosquito swarms in their backyard.
39. You realize the rain forest is less humid than Louisiana.
40. You can list all the ingredients of a gumbo or a jambalaya.
41. You go to the "boat", but you don't plan on spending any time over water
42. When you're in Baton Rouge you know the difference between
the old bridge & the new bridge
43. If you ever had to wait for the bridge to "come down" so you can get home
44. If you pull for the Saints (who else would?)
45. If you've ever been to a wedding and someone either danced in a #3 washtub or with a broom and this was considered normal.
46. You "make your groceries" or "save your dishes" or have an"ice box"
47. You can't think of anybody that can cook better than your momma.
48. You know when it's appropriate to use "Tony Chachere's"
49. You know an old person that can "treat" you for warts.
50. The four seasons in your year are: crawfish, shrimp, crab and King Cake.
51. You use a "hose pipe" to water your garden or wash the car.
52. You know what they mean at a crawfish boil when they tell you "don't eat the dead ones."

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